Secrets of My Diary: #34. I found that I was Lost.

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself into someone.
Someone who I can’t see.
Someone beneath my heart.
Someone beyond the clouds.
Somewhere beside my tears.
And somehow, before my end.

Without any distraught I went on to say what I had always wanted to say. I was left with no choice but to accept my mistakes and succumb to the plight of finding no help from others.

Why do I always assay my assortment to people?
Why is it so hard to lift myself up a little and look beyond human race?
Why do I find it so difficult to rigorously spark the touch of extravagant disposed thought of the afterlife?
Why have I turned so arrogant that I could not find solace in the remembrance of my Lord?

I was alone in the grave though I heard million voices in my head. Some haunting me for my reckless choices while others enchanting “Go away. I don’t want you.”

Sometimes I wonder what if the grave discards me. That I find no soil to be dust into. That I find no place for an eternal sleep. That I kept dissolving in the thoughts of burning from within on a trespassed order.

I woke up distraught and quite taken aback by the mellifluous voices encircling in my head. I couldn’t feel my fingers in the chilled winter of the howling breezes. The night was still dark.
“There’s still time”, I said to myself throwing my blanket over me and pooling into a cup-shaped lad under it.

“Do I have another choice of not waking up and praying to Him?”

No answer.
There was no answer.
Nothing was the answer.
Then why has my heart turned reckless to His whispers. Instead, it uplifts and harks to the evil, the demon.

That was when,

I did not stop questioning myself. I went on to go deeper into my thoughts rigorous of its prime nature
Looking at the dusty pane of the window, I severed the flossy image of mine through it lurking to be questioned for the things I did wrong.

And I said:

“Would you smile and laugh a little longer if it was the last time you were doing so?

“Would you say what’s in your heart if you knew it was going to stop beating after a while?

“Would you do the things you always wanted to do in your life?

“Would you forgive people and have a last few moments of your life at complete peace?

“Would you be a little nicer if you knew you were dying tomorrow?

Well, we all are.

Sooner or later.

 

Note: It feels so good to be back. I missed my blog more than my blog missed me or any other person. The way I caressed and helped it grow and form a family feels quite emotional to me now. I was always questioned on two things: being sensitive and on being emotional. But, somewhere amidst this fast paced life I learned how to hide my inner self from people and I arrogantly called maturity despite knowing the truth that not a bit has changed. And that, I am still the same.

Those who remember me, know me. And those who forgot me, well, they know me too.

So, yes, I am Back.