He is at a point in his life where even the slightest of touches to his emotions will make him break down. Right there. He won’t be able to hide his vulnerabilities there after. He has become non-sustainable to feelings. No longer. He might have survived the fall but, he is no longer his usual, dynamic self. He had already been hurt too much. He had received hatred and humiliation at the hands of the person he loved unconditionally with no expectations in the back of his mind at all. He was blamed by his companions for all the wrongdoings and was left alone to suffer the further disgrace. He was emotionally scarred at his heart by the person who showed him a way to love after all of the sufferings. He trusted her with all of the feelings he saved for someone else. She promised to love him like no other despite knowing the truth. His truth. And one fine day, this person no longer felt the way she once used to. Just a plain_ ‘Not anymore’.
And after all these years, you, who of all the persons he was confident of never leaving him, left with a blot on his character, a blot of not being trustworthy, of not being enough. Just that.
And he was sad, all over, once again. All these sarcasm games that he plays, these jokes that he conveys, these smiles and laughters he adds to his mischief, are all fake. He sends his existence miles away from the person who pushes him away when he asks, “What is wrong?” He doesn’t want to be humiliated any longer. He retorts to any suffering, any pain, any hurt. He takes himself away from them. Just that.
And do you know what is worse, he convinces himself that it’s not their fault, it is he, who is unlovable. That he doesn’t deserve any bit of it. He says these things to himself each day because he knows, he so much knows, that ‘being loved’ is not the sole saviour_ loving is.
Just a p.s. : 100 days later, I still choose to mark if I can portray my feelings the way they are.
Hah. *blog check* *blog check*
//trying to come back