Did she start behaving strange by stalling my texts or had I started to look at it strangely? I had no idea whatsoever. It just affected me deep. I was hurt by it. Because this is the exact reason why I refrain from letting anyone become a part oy life. Because if interest can be developed in someone somehow, it can be washed off in the first rain as well anyhow. I wanted to ask her if this is what it had to come down to_ ‘you’re just another name in my friends list’.
There are people who treat me like a celebrity. I remember once a girl texted me to appreciate my Urdu Poetry videos she had watched on YouTube and I replied within a minute. I rarely do that tbh. But, it was just in a spur of a moment. I was replying to a lot of message requests anyway. She was quite surprised and said,”I did not expect such a quick response. I didn’t exepct a reply even. I thought you’d act like a celebrity.“
“Oh, I’m really sorry. I like to disappoint people“, I ended the conversation.
But, of course if I was conversing to her everyday, she was supposed to be the special one. But, I never talked to her about these matters. I never hyped my importance in other people’s lives in front of her. I never bargained her to set aside some time for me from her day. I never told her that she is the only person on my Snapchat. That she is the only girl I talk to. That I had stopped even having a causal conversation with a girl since she had walked in. But, now I regret not telling her all these. I should have. I should have made her realize that she is not just another girl I let into my life. Yes, she walked in. She sent me friend request. And I had a thing into the back of my mind that_ she is the one; and I will keep her in my life with all of my might and all of my heart.
But, expectations hurt. Just because someone is nice to you, it doesn’t mean someone likes you. But, that’s my exact point. Being nice to someone and making them a part of your life where you tell them the whole of your day’s ongoings should be different. You may like talking to a stranger for a day or two. But, you don’t just talk them into growing a bond, a relationship, a friendship. Don’t give anyone an ounce of hint that ‘both of us together’ could be a thing if you don’t intend to go the distance. Just cut it off. Just because you’re okay with talking to anyone without getting attached, doesn’t mean otherwise. Some people may be both emotional and sensitive. There might be a very strong reason why they choose to live a solitary life despite all the attention they receive at the hands of people around them. Because this is how conversations end, bonds break, when it reaches a conclusion:
read her sole text that morning after 2 days, 3 texts and 1 screenshot.
I had never been worried about myself throughout these 24 years as much I was worried about her in the past 24 hours. She would usually reply after 24 hours anyway. That was how much we talked. And it was very wise of her too. I liked the fact that she wasn’t too excited to talk to me. That, in some way, reassured me of her not losing her excitement, at the very least.
I reverted back around 10:00 AM (that’s when I woke up) without any declaration. Maybe because it was too late for everything, or because she said nothing about the screenshot, or it was very imbecile of me to speak any further after that screenshot, which I sent last night.
Something I wrote about her.
Yeah, about her. And not for her.
Just one screenshot?
Hah. I only sent her one shot.
I thought I'll show her the rest after seeing her excitement, which eventually was no where to be found. And that's how some feelings die in drafts.
It was actually the letter we read in the Part-I.
“I had been very busy with college stuffs and I had not been using my phone,”
read her next text. This, right here, broke my heart. Because she did, and she lied. She showed up on Instagram a few times. If she had enough time to see my story, could she not just revert at least a ‘hello’ to my text. Perhaps, I wasn’t important enough to be replied. It shattered my dreams of her. Because I wanted to talk to her for one last time, before leaving for Bangalore. I wanted to tell her how I felt about her. That screenshot was a hint but, she did not care enough to say anything about it. That’s fate. Maybe. Maybe, that’s how fate is. It always cascades you at if’s and maybe’s.
Oh, I am not in love with her. I cannot be in love with someone I had only known for over a couple of months. Of course, I can. But, that’s not the kind of love I am looking for in my life. I don’t bow down before the Lord of the Seven Heavens just to have a flirty relationship with a teenager who I would try to fool into fake promises of marriage and carry on to say everything illegitimate to her. That’s not me. I am looking to get married to someone I would want my daughter to be like. I am looking to get married to the woman of my dreams. I cannot fall in love with someone I don’t even know if I would have a future with. I am not supposed to. That is that.
“I guessed that you are busy. That’s why I did not bother you much. Wishing you all the best. Good luck. Also, please pray for me.”
I wrote with a heavy heart and sent with the slightest of touches.
And that was the exact moment I decided to walk away before it was time.And as I write this page, it would be more than 7 days since I last put up online. One week since I wrote my ‘Thank You’ note on Instagram and bid goodbye. But, I wasn’t actually gone. I was still waiting for her to text and ask me for once and all that Saiz, “Will you leave me just like that?” But, she did not care even a bit to reach out to me. Not for once. I realized that I was not important to her. Not in the way I wanted to be. And in no way at all. I was just another person. And…and that was the answer to all my hopes which are now drawn aback. Thank God, I only liked her and I wasn’t in love with her.
But, was it true? True, what…
* * * * *
Zaruri nahi h ki hame har makaam mile. Kabhi Kabhi khamosh raste bhi ghuftughu kr liya krte h.
Zaruri nahi ki Vo hame se baate kre. Ye bhi to mumkin h.. Ham unke liye apne rab se baaten Kia kre..
Mohabbat Vo nahi Jo rooth jaaye hamse.. Mohabbat Vo h Jo saathi ke na hone pr bhi Uske liye Dua Kia kre…
Every pair on this earth is already been prepared by Allah.
We need to clean our heart to settle the first and foremost love of Allah swt.
May Allah bless you.
Remember me in your daus.
Keep writing keep shining.
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Bilkul haq aur sach. The way you write in Urdu is absolutely amazing. Ma Sha Allah.
May Allah bless you with a lot of wisdom. Aameen
Remember me in your dua’a as well.
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InshaAllah I will.
And also, you should write more often than not.
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