April 12th, 2019 2:00 AM
My flight had landed in Bangalore late at night. I reached my friend’s place by taking an Ola cab. But, I miss her the more now. From being close to just a few lanes apart, the distance between us has grown to thousand of miles. Yes, I left Delhi. I was sad all the while. From the moment I left for Delhi airport to the time I landed in Bangalore, all this while, only one thought I had engulfed in my mind, that I should have texted her once and asked her to meet me once. Just once. The fact that I am now farther from my home, my parents wasn’t bothering me as much. Not because I loved them any less. But, because they made me do this. They made me sacrifice my dreams so that I could be worthy enough to earn for my living. They made me quit poetry. They brought a halt to my stage performer’s life. But, I said no word of rebel. Because they are parents anyway. They have brought me up from nothingness to this height. To a man. But, I just wanted to understand one thing themselves that_ it is okay to not earn at 23. It is okay to dream new dreams each day. It might be okay to love what you do but, it is also okay to do what you love. I just wanted them to understand it themselves. And honestly, I never brought this into their notice that I loved doing poetry. I loved taking the centre stage. I loved the camera life. I loved writing on the whole. And there was so much more I could do in life than just sit on a chair and code for hours to get paid a few thousand bucks. But, enough of my emotional drama. I quit everything behind. And was on my way to live my live their way.
But, I wrote a text last night before sleeping and I could not gather the courage to let Haya know what was in my heart. Not because of my vulnerable heart but, because there was no point in saying anything to her any longer. Usay yaad na meri aayi, ab usse aur kya kehna
10th April, 2019
Hey Haya, Saiz here.
I know you are extremely busy with your college. And there’s so much that has happened in my life since last week, which I wanted to let you know. I really did. I texted you on Snapchat but, you did not care to reply despite showing up online. It hurt me a lot. I might have acted very normal when I texted you again but, I was deeply saddened. So much that I deleted Snapchat at that exact moment after my last text to you. The last thing I said to you. Just like a well-wisher.
Also, the fact that it might not matter to you, or it might not bother you whether I’m here or there, refrained me from saying anything to you personally. But, I miss you already. I really want to see you for once. If it’s at all possible, please revert back. I have my flight this Friday evening, which is tomorrow, by the clock. Tum milne aaogi na…?(Will you come to meet?The Drafted Text
“And you did not send it? That was your last chance to confess to her? Oh boy. Never saw a more stupid human than you. And did you even tell her that you’re leaving Delhi for maybe, forever; let alone meeting her. And that you have quit poetry all in all. And that she won’t be able to see you performing live ever. And not even yo. Did you let her know?” My friend asked.
No. But, I posted on Instagram a week ago that I am leaving. Read it yourself. There is no way she would not have read it. I saw an update on her profile. I hadn’t deactivated Instagram until when I boarded my flight. Because somewhere deep down the lingering depths of my heart I still believed that she will text me, at the way least, to ask me to take care of myself. But, there lies my broken heart.
Read it yourself_
I don’t know how am I going to focus on my job interviews I had skilled myself for. What will I say to the interviewer if he ends up asking, “Are you sad?” Perhaps, same I say to my mother when she asks, “You sound really low tonight.” If I can fool my mother, fooling the interviewer should be pretty comfortable. I could not help but, talk to myself all night long.
It’s so hard to get her out of my mind. I don’t know what wrong did I do to myself. I only let her be a part of my left when she crushed in knocking on my heart. She was just so perfect. Why did not I let her know downright that moment. Just because I was a celebrity to her and she was a mere admirer of my poetry, does that raise my standard above her. Of course not. She is a girl anyway. She is not supposed to spill the feelings of her heart unless she is proposed to do so. And she told me on the very first day we talked that she is an introvert. And still she ended up talking to me for straight one hour. And when I questioned her that how this is even thinkable for an introvert, that too for a girl. She said, “Talking to you gives me positive vibes.” And this is exactly what I felt as well. That’s why she was hard to keep away with. I was never so frequent in replying to text messages earlier but, the moment her name popped in, I would catch her up. Why could she not notice my excitement for her?
I remember even the hurtful things she said to me. Like_
“There’s a guy in my class who has a crush on me”,
she said revealing a poem he wrote for her. It said a lot about them. The poem. The way he talked about the times he had known her for, and that she knows everything and is still close to him, and also that he is_ ‘a friend’. I felt so unfortunate to not be this guy. Being her friend and knowing her since the beginning would have been so positive. Me, not being at his place, right now, was more unfortunate than him not being her crush in reciprocation. Because I had always believed that_
“It does not matter if you love back someone who loves you. Because the moment you learn about them loving you, there is a soft corner safeguarded into the bottom most layer of your heart. That’s how deep a lasting effect it relinquishes. And when you choose to become friends with someone who loves you, you’re only giving him a definite chance to convince you of their love that’s portrayed as ‘one true love’. That also brings in the connotations of them flirting with you at times, and you just sit there, smiling and wondering_ ‘he is so cute though’. These ‘though’ and ‘although’ don’t just remain conjugations anymore, they weigh in the probabilities of your heart, to tend, to bend and to mend towards them.”
And I was unfortunate. So unfortunate. To not be this person. But, all this while I was still pondering over why this affected me so much. I don’t love her. She doesn’t love me. I don’t know if I mean anything to her. It’s being only a couple of months that she had known me for. But still…. Why do I feel this heaviness just over a normalised fact that_ “I am not the only one.“
Did I see her as a probable life partner just because she being an introvert, continued to pursue talking to a complete stranger in me because she got positive vibes? Or that because I had been fooling myself that I am only guy in her life? Well, that has just been proven wrong. No. I am not. I am not the only one. Someone loves her. And she knows that well. So well that she chose to become friends with her. And that’s why I felt this sudden rush of blood through my veins. Because I…I felt the hurt of seeing someone, go.
And maybe, I might have lost someone I was meant to fall in love with but, she definitely lost someone who was already falling in love with the idea of her being the most important part of my life_my wife.
This distance, which now amounted to thousands of miles, was meant to separate us. And make us fall out of each other’s orbit but, when God writes that these two hearts are meant to collide, He’ll move both of them and not just one.
So, that implies…
//part IV loading…