11th April, 2019
I could not control myself. I lost it. I cried last night so much. It wasn’t just her. You know, when your life takes a stride towards being frivolously miserable, when there’s no one that understands you, when there’s no one around that can get you out of the trouble you’re in, you wish for that one person around whom you’d feel blessed. The one who would ring a smile on your face by the little and kind things they would say to you. I sobbed. And I could not tell anyone. But, I did not want to. Yet, sometimes you want someone to lay your shoulders on. Someone to tap on your back and make it easy for you to breath. Someone to physically caress your hand and not let you feel that it’s over. Someone to flay their fingers amidst your hair. Someone to just be there. Right in front of you.
Almost after 10 days since I deleted every social media account of mine except this blog, I gave in. Not because I could not stay away from social media but, because I could not take it anymore. The fact that I closed every single door to contact me, and I just sat there waiting for her text, made me look like a drenched, vulnerable, stupid, foolish man. I just wanted to see if she had tried to text me and clear every single raunch that was dwindling in my head. I just wanted to be at peace downright this moment.
And suddenly a thought hit me. A Hadith(saying or teaching) by our Prophet Muhammad(Peace be upon him) that on the day of resurrection, everyone would be waiting for their result of whether they had been granted Jannah(heaven) or Jahannum(hell). And they would grow more and more furious over time. That said, they would even reach a point where they would wish their result just be told no matter what the result. Such will be the hardship of that day. Such will be the heightened implications.
And I, in this world of despair, am just wishing to know my answer. To just know what is it all about. To know if I have the same place in her heart or not. I have reached a point where I don’t wish to have one. I just want my answer and get done with. The pace of my heart had been breached. And I wasn’t able to think otherwise. Every time of the day, everything I did, I was just engulfed in this lone thought that_ “Did I matter to her at all?”
I switched towards my phone. Installed Snapchat and tapped login. Entered my username and password in a spur of a moment. And my heart started to turn vulnerable and beat rapidly. You will never feel that feeling, my friend. Never. It felt as if I had undergone a heart surgery and could not feel my heart for a moment. Snapchat was taking longer than usual, I don’t know why.
“There’s something wrong with your password”, reddened underneath the password box. This time I entered carefully. And it was still taking a lot of time. My heart felt very low at this moment. But, finally I got logged in. It took further some 3-4 minutes to load the messages. And they popped up. I was surprised to see her snap which was timed to 6 hours ago. I felt so very good that she still remembers me the same. I was wishing to see one snap for all these 10 days. But, when I opened her chat box, I saw just two texts and 4 snaps on random days.
The text read, “I saw your text and also this(sending me the screenshot, of the letter, yeah the same one that I sent to her).” And underneath her second text read, “But, I don’t know what to say.” There was nothing that would show that she missed me any moment. Nothing at all. It was just the emptiness. And my heart felt the same.
I was taken aback. I was deeply saddened again. My heart just broke again. My dreams of her got shattered again. I gave myself one more chance. But, all in vain. There was nothing left to say. And after seeing her snaps, I realised that it were mere streak savers which she usually sent to her whole friends list. Looking at her snap count which read 54k… something, anyone would find the obvious thing that she had a pretty long list.
I uninstalled Snapchat without replying anything. I was sad but, my anger was greater. I was angry at myself. Because I believed that_
Because you’ll be more determined. Because you won’t turn back all the time. Because you’ll trust your instincts more often. Because you won’t cry. You’ll back yourself up. You’ll realise that_
After writing this part of the story, I wrote a text to her which I know would make to the drafts because I won’t be able to gather any courage to let her know.
I am sorry. I am sorry for ignoring your texts. I remember replying to your emoticons even. I remember having my text at the end of every conversation somehow. Because I just never wanted you to feel ignored. I wanted you to understand your importance in my life. But, maybe I thought too much of us. That’s why I am suffering right now.
And I came to your city, your place, and by your lane yesterday. I had to meet a few of my friends from Jamia who I got close to with my time there. I also had a few of my books left at the place where I used to live. Yeah, the one which was just a few lanes away from your place. I felt the urge to install Snapchat and just ask you for once and all, “I am leaving on Friday. I want to see you. Can we meet, please.”
I so much wanted to. I looked at every girl throughout that road which connected our lanes like an idiot. I was searching for you. Like a naive two year old. I was looking all around and was actually praying to get to see you for once before I leave this city forever. But, I could not.
I held back my tears while returning to my city. But, I kept thinking about you.not yours- saiz
And now I am glad that I did not send this text. I am glad I pulled back. I may not be happy about how things ended but, I know what it would have led to_ “Nothing. Just nothing at all.”
And if you’re reading this_ trust me, I won’t come back if there was nothing in your heart. Trust me, that I was not the one. Trust me, our story ends, right here. Trust me, there’s nothing more I have to say or write. Take care.