It’s been so long when I last talked about me. I guess today should be the day.
Before I say anything, I just want to thank each and everyone who has every felt better after reading and listening to my words. Thank you to everyone who has ever appreciated me. Thank you for believing in me. For the love you showered. I truly was undeserving but, your constant support has been unimaginable. But, life happens to everyone. And I want to share that I have stopped writing here. And performing. I would still be filling my diary pages. And learning how to write. And for that to happen, I would have to leave this space. I have been thinking about it for over a month now. To be. Or not to be. I just couldn’t decide until today. But, the complexities of life are such.
Please don’t ask how or why. Because I’m going to tell everything myself. Remember that 1995-2014 in my bio? There’s no secrecy behind those numbers. It’s just that whatever I write is for the way I felt until 2014. What happened in 2014? I sported this beard on my face. I changed. My life changed. And I was a completely different person with a completely new mindset. I don’t write about how I feel any longer. I don’t write about me. I don’t write on my personal matters as well. There are a few reasons_
First, I don’t want to.
Second, it doesn’t matter at all.
That’s a realisation.
It doesn’t matter what incidents have unfolded into my life. I strongly believe that I am nothing. And maybe, this very thing is what has led me to this point. That, I quit. I’m quitting this space. I don’t like it anymore. I don’t feel my own words any longer. How am I supposed to make others feel them? It has started to appear as if I am being delusional. That I am faking my whole identity. It’s not happening with me. Things I had been trying so hard to do in life isn’t going the way I wanted them to. I feel bad for people who text me to tell me they are a fan of my poetry. Because I am not that good. I just can’t be. When I first stepped on stage for poetry, I remember I had my job joining later that month. I was so overwhelmed after my first few performances and the amount of appreciation I received that I quit my job. And decided it for myself that this is it. I did not tell my parents why I did what I did. Because I knew they would never support. And that’s exactly what happened. I started preparing for MBA so that I could have another year in Delhi, and focus on learning the norms of the stage slowly and steadily. I performed anywhere I got a chance. Anywhere. And everywhere. I started getting confident about myself. Because I loved it so much. Poetry. Then I cracked Jamia’s MBA but, I was growing as a name in poetry circuit so much at that exact period that I decided to turn it down. It was once again against my parents’ recommendation. All because I was believing in myself. And when my parents later came to know about it, obviously they did not like it. They called it ‘faaltu kaam’. They are completely against it. Plainly. I was still believing in myself. That I can rise as an artist. That I can win over their trust again. But, could not. There are so many people who text me to tell me that they are my ‘fans’. ‘Fans’ is a very great word for an artist. Any artist. And I can never be there. I never wanted to. I just wanted to continue doing what I liked and not be worried about the outcome. But, two years later, I have lost confidence in me. My parents have lost confidence in me as well. And I can’t let that happen. I just can’t be okay with it.
Because of the strange times and the hard ones. And the fact that I am unable to do poetry as I wanted to, is like a cherry on the cake. That’s why I quit. So, I have decided to take up a job in Bangalore. And please wish me good luck for a new journey. I wanted to deactivate Instagram. But, then what if Instagram deletes my account permanently. I don’t want to rule out any possibility of a comeback. So, I’ll just take down my pictures and leave the account as it it.
Also, I am uninstalling Instagram, so please don’t dm. Because I don’t want to make you feel ignored. That being said_ “I had an amazing time with the friends I made here. I could not be more proud.”
So, thank you everyone from the depth of my lingering tears and emotions, I very much appreciate the love you have shown towards my work. Just need one favour from you all, pray for me. Pray, so that I can be better again. Do it again. Love it again. And also carry forward my parents love and confidence within me. Because above all, parents are above all. My dreams, as well.
I am only quitting this social space. Not the friendships I have made. So, there’s a mail id in my profile, if you want to keep up with me, I would be more than proud. Peace.
But, then again, what’s the date today? Oh, cm’on. It’s just a coincidence, maybe. Keep guessing.
Note: This was my declaration on Instagram which I put up on 1st of April, 2019.